Separation of Church and Self

I hate the title of this post, but in all honesty it's reality for me. I've been a part of different churches and religions over the years. I spent some time in college researching religions of the world. I considered converting to Islam in high school; defended Hinduism and Buddhism to my colleagues who were practicing Christianity.

We are all searching for a Higher Power; Something or Someone to believe in. Ultimately we all want to be happy - Well most of us. Why did I switch that to most instead of all of us?

Growing up, I always believed that people wanted to be happy. Many have searched in churches, synagogues, and in some cases... beer bottles. I asked a friend about her happiness. She appeared to have everything going for her; a good man, a good job, and financial security. So I asked her about her happiness. She said she was... somewhat.

She couldn't be truly happy because she had too much going for her. So instead of being happy, she was afraid. Afraid that everything she had, would be taken away; so instead of enjoying life, she lived in fear. This lead to her bringing drama or minor squabbles into her relationship. When things were unsettled, she felt more at ease. Everything was in alignment.

Until she realized that many of her friends began to pull away, and her relationship with her guy was no longer as strong as it used to be. He also began to pull away, searching for other ways continue to be happy. Friends and work made him happy, so eventually, thats where he ended up spending most of his time. So this woman... this Christian woman who once had everything was now feeling lonely and sad.

Once she came to a realization, they both began to rebuild their relationship- and are still working at it.

Fear is a powerful emotion. Fear can increase your insecurities and take everything that you have and turn it upside down. It can make your belief system feel like a load of BS. It could chase away good man or woman, cause you quit your job, and leave you on an island all by yourself.

So, in turn, I believe that religion is not always the answer to those inner demons- unless you actually apply your beliefs and your faith. I pulled away from churches and I focus on my own spirituality and inner healing. Although, I myself can get lost along the way.  However, I am learning to feel free knowing that I am not labeled by a particular sect, but would like to walk into place of worship without judgement.

My only concern is: are they judging me and sizing me up- preparing to convert the newcomer.